Within Reach by Jessica Stevens

Author:Jessica Stevens
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: SparkPress
Published: 2016-02-15T00:00:00+00:00

Lila

FIFTEEN DAYS LEFT

Why did I think it would be safe to turn my cell phone back on? I’ve enjoyed pretending they disappeared: Hannah, Jason, my mom, all of them. Their false words of encouragement make my blood boil. I thought about throwing my phone into the lake, and then I remembered Xan’s messages. Hearing Xan tell me he loves me is the only thing that gets me up in the morning.

If I don’t resave the messages, the phone company will delete them. Somewhere between checking the million voice messages everyone has left, resaving Xan’s, and deleting texts, I accidently answer the phone.

“Lila? Lila, are you there?”

“Mom?” The words scrape my throat like sandpaper. Logically, I know my throat is raw because I’ve spent the last two days screaming. That isn’t why it hurts to talk to her.

“Oh my God, Lila, you sound awful. So much worse than she implied.”

Thanks, Mom, it’s good to hear your voice too. I can’t think of a time my mother pointed out the positive in something. Ever. I mean ever. There is always something wrong with everything.

“I’m fine,” I lie, clearing my throat. Why did it have to be her? Wait, what did she say? “Who implied what about me?”

“Hannah. She said you hung up on her and have been avoiding her for two days.”

The condescending tone of her voice makes me want to throw myself off a bridge. She is trying to make me feel guilty for being rude to Hannah.

How do I explain, to my narcissistic mother, that it feels as if someone has opened up my chest cavity and pressed a million pushpins into my still-beating heart? How do I make someone who is incapable of human emotion understand that the pain is beyond unbearable? “I’m fine,” I repeat, and welcome the familiar pit back into my stomach.

“You don’t sound fine. Are you eating enough?” I look at the bottle of water I just grabbed from the kitchen.

Telling her what she wants to hear is easier. It used to make Xan so mad that I let her get to me. I don’t need to break Xan’s heart any more than necessary now. “Really, Mom? My boyfriend just died and you are asking if I’m eating?” No, I haven’t been, but I’m not about to tell her that. She didn’t think I had a problem when I clearly did; why is she concerned now?

Huh. I haven’t checked the mirror in a few days. I haven’t thought about it. That’s weird. “Ouch.” A wave knocks me into the corner of the door. That’s going to leave a bruise. The wind has picked up. The boat is rocking a lot. Nothing about this boat is safe. The sleek rounded appearance of the outside can be deceiving. Past the bulletproof glass door, there isn’t a curve in sight.

“I’m sorry I care about you,” she purrs in true shame-inducing fashion. Now she wants me to feel guilty for being mean to her.

I stumble back into my parents’ bedroom and flip the lights on.

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